[ izō has an awareness of a sudden urge to run but doesn't act on it. not entirely sure he could on legs that are both unfamiliar and unsteady, even if there's a good chance kate's balance is superior given that she actually works at it. he's too proud to run anyway, but he feels it. he doesn't want this. he doesn't need this. why make excuses for him when history's proven it time and again? ]
He's jus' gonna leave me too...
[ his voice sounds so small and weak, and it has nothing to do with whose voice it is. it being kate's probably saved him the hot wash of shame when his would've cracked. it's pathetic, in any case. ]
Jus' wait. Somethin' real big'll happen 'round here one day. Some kinda shit he's real good at. Ain't gonna want me tyin' him down. Someone like me is only good for killin' an’ got no business even bein' around people like that.
I know my fuckin' place.
[ it's not a place for good people. people like ryouma and jane don't belong there. kindred spirits or not, izō wouldn't wish it on kate either. the best place for him is alone and always has been, but he just keeps fucking it up and getting close to people. maybe this is his pattern to repeat indefinitely, because isn't it true that servants can't change? even if he's human now no human is supposed to have to face the the things that aren't supposed to matter once you die. izō doesn't know any other way to be. ]
( ew. hearing her own voice like that? shudder. and this is definitely above her paygrade. really, her paygrade is little more than "drink in a corner while someone else sorts shit out", and she should have left well enough alone. )
... Fine.
( she needs shots for this shit. give her a minute and line 'em up, bartender. enough that Izō's body will actually feel the effects and her brain can swim in that fog which helps loosen tongues and settle thoughts. that bright knot in her stomach tarnished by those words.
this whole being optimistic shit is hard, especially when the person you're trying to be optimistic at refuses to listen to it. (remind her to buy a drink for every poor bastard who has tried to talk to her when she gets morose). )
Y'think? (knowing his place strikes a chord, an echo from another half-sloshed conversation when she was in her own body and it was Rider on the other end. ) Doesn't seem like th' kind of guy.
( one more drink. he reminds her a lot of Ainsworth, actually. patient and friendly, better at these kinds of touchy feely things. Ainsworth, who met her as angry sixteen year old bundle of defiance and resignation all in one, who kept talking to her throughout all of the academy, laughing away threats and insults (admittedly, Ainsworth is also built like a brick shithouse and can quite literally become one, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that he doesn't feel bothered by things) until she accepted him.
she never really got why. still doesn't. but she's grateful as hell nonetheless. )
We can't pick who cares about us. ( sure, you can pick your friends, but they pick you, too. sometimes someone will just care about you even when you can't understand why. ) ...You think he'd leave you if you were in trouble?
( she might never understand why Ainsworth decided to befriend her, but she's long since accepted the truth that he's decided to care about her, that he has her back no matter what. and that aches, sudden and sharp, in her chest. he's proven himself loyal and kind time and time again, and there's so many questions she's brushed off in response.
[ her questions sting more than she probably intends, but that's not exactly her fault. she doesn't know any better. izō doesn't care if she drinks in his body — she might as well considering what he's doing to hers right now — but it's difficult to care about anything else amid the wretched mood he's found himself in now. ]
Wouldn't be the first time. Fucked off without a word. Ain't like it's hard.
[ at least some part of izō knows that it was never about either of them and that ryouma was just doing what needed to be done. still, even if ryouma left tosa for the most valid reasons, izō can't help how he feels. if ryouma left tosa behind because there was nothing left for him, what does that make izō but also nothing? the way everyone else treated him afterward only drove the point home. ]
Woulda done anythin' for 'im back then. Woulda gone with 'im. Maybe I coulda been there at the end when the fuckin' idiot needed me...
[ he lets out a short, bitter bark of laughter like it's a joke. ]
Everybody I ever knew turned their back on me when I wasn't useful no more. I'm jus' a burden 'round here an' everybody knows it too. No one needs someone like me in peacetime.
[ that's been true since kipposhi said it a long time ago and hasn't changed much. izō has never even had another proper job. the one ryouma probably invented just for him doesn't count. ]
This'll go back t' normal an' then y' can forget about all of it. Ya got other shit yer good at, so ya oughta be happy about it. I ain't real smart so this is it for me.
[ maybe he should be thankful that kate's body seems to be less inclined to emotional outbursts than his own, which is the only reason he's managed not to cry. usually, once he's drunk enough and on to something like this topic, there's no stopping it. or maybe it's because he's been burying these feelings for so long and heaping even more on top just to be able to be around ryouma like he has been lately that unearthing any of them just makes him feel hollow and empty instead when he has to confront his excuses. it's a bad feeling all around, whatever the cause. ]
that's what Rider was on about, wasn't it? that whole spiel about what if he'd brought someone with him. expressions cross Izō's face so easily, and so Kate can't hide the flinch of hearing that news. that's... she doesn't know how to answer that. saying anything about that conversation with Rider seems inadequate as a response, something better said by the man himself.
(really, what all these idiots need is a therapist, but like that's happening. so instead Izō is gonna have to deal with this). )
That's bullshit.
Only thing I'm good at is usin' my body.
( beat.
wait. that came out wrong. eh, well. she waves a hand, dismissing that statement. )
... Y'know what I mean.
( she was only ever good at things connected to athletics. moving, never staying still, always terrible at paying attention in class. and it only got worse after—
ah. let's not think about that. easier to drink than it is to open that door (though it never really closes, always leaking a dull ache, a hollow memory). )
— Shoulda known I'm no good at this.
( dammit. you win, Manslayer. what is she doing, listening to all those pieces of advice from people who don't, can't and will never understand where her opinions come from? she really fucking thought it would all suddenly change if she started spouting positivity and injecting herself into other people's problems?
please. she can't even make herself happy. it's ridiculous to expect she could do that for anyone else. )
[ that has the effect of, at the very least, affording him the tiniest break from his self-inflicted misery in order to be confused at her until he realises what she really means. a very small, very brief respite before he goes back to staring down into his cup. it takes longer for him to find his words again though. ]
Y' gotta business though, don'tcha? Back home, it wouldn't matter. Back home, I gotta purpose. Servants are jus' tools anyway, when ya get right down to it.
[ which he says even though he can hear both ritsukas he's known — the male one from his world and the female version that's shown up in avalon — disagreeing with it. but it works for him, just having someone tell him exactly what to do.
it also means that what kate can do is useful. it's marketable. and even if she drinks kate obviously manages to pull it together long enough to attend to things that need attending to, which is far more than can be said for izō most of the time. ]
Anyway, I toldja y' didn't need t' bother, but ya asked an' now y' know. Happy? Don't matter what I think 'cause it ain't gonna happen, so remind me t' delete that pointless shit whenever y' gimme my damn phone back...
[ because what has this little talk done but reminded him of the futility of all of it? what's the point of taking those stupid pictures anyway? he was supposed to be keeping things casual. well, that's fine. he can fix it now. ]
Aye. Here. ( here is important. it's not like she's living anything close to this life back home. ) ...Didn't think I could do that.
( she had to be prodded into thinking of it as an option. back home, that option disappears. maybe completely. it's so easy to do shit like that here, they seem to practically beg the otherworlders to do so.
there's no way she'd get away with starting a business so easily back home. they're not exactly chomping at the bit to give parkour gym spaces to people who left school at 16, barely scraping their grades together enough to be acceptable. )
Can't do that back home. Just follow orders. ( go here, investigate these rumours. better, true, than being shipped out to war, but still.
nothing more than being a weapon. )
You're good at fightin'. Physical shit like that. Kinda shit people like to be trained in.
( swordfighting, sure. but there's other, related, shit he can probably do, right? )
You run? Do weights?
( it'd be easy to move into being a physical trainer or something. )
So? Y' say that like it's a bad thing. A manslayer jus' needs t' do what they're told.
[ he can see what she's trying to do but it's evidently complicated by the fact that he can't see any reason to reject that way of living. he's said those exact words so many times it's almost automatic. ]
Ain't so bad workin' for a decent Master. Y' could do a lot worse than endin' up in Chaldea.
[ like grail wars. or weird singularities. izō shakes the last few drops out of the tokkuri and gestures for someone to bring another. he's not that drunk yet... ]
Y'mean like just pickin' shit up 'cause it's heavy? People really pay ya for that? They can't run on their own?
[ he really doesn't do much at here in avalon but in his defence, people didn't run or lift things unless they needed to in his experience ]
[ the fact that izō had zero options in life other than what he ended up doing likely contributes to his stubbornness. that and how people talked about him; the idea of trying anything new and failing doesn't help him feel any more confident. but drinking at least helps him feel less, period. ]
Why? Doin' stuff on purpose y' can jus' go out an' do anyway for real sounds the same as some kinda dojo shit.
[ the alcohol is also why he's forgotten how they got to this. ]
What's this gotta do with anythin' anyway? My problem ain't 'cause I don't run.
[ he remains sceptical at best. yes, he can physically handle things but offer guidance? that's where he's doubtful. ]
Y' know what I used t' do for trainin'? Got a big fuckin' heavy branch, carved that shit up so it was somethin' like a trainin' sword an' swung that 'round 'til it quit bein' difficult.
[ he empties another cup and wishes this was all over too. there's less guilt involved trying to drink himself into a stupor than when he's doing it in someone else's body. ]
Ain't no master or nothin'. 'Cause when I was strong enough t' beat everybody who was s'posed t' be teachin' me somethin' I got bored and fucked off. Rider's the guy who knows how t' do shit like that. Got one of those li'l certificates or whatever says ya know what the fuck yer doin'...
[ he appreciates the attempt, he does, but he's very stubbornly convinced that he doesn't have a thing to offer anyone that isn't his ability to kill. at least kate can continue appreciating the fact that she's probably doing pretty good for herself... by comparison? ]
Ain't expectin' ya t' have answers neither. Already true whatcha said once about how dead things oughta stay dead.
( that last comment hits home. it's not that she's changed that opinion, not at all. dead things should stay dead. it's less complicated that way. ghosts are stupid constructs of Avalon and she's glad her magic doesn't force her to witness them, and the thought of coming back from the dead just sends a shiver down her spine.
if she's dead, let her rest. and the same should go for Manslayer and his ilk. why drag the dead into the wars of the living?
god. )
What're we doin'...?
( why is she sitting here, trying to convince a dude who doesn't want to be convinced? why are they playing house while the multiverse hangs in the balance? what is the point in all of this?
[ izō is doodling shapes in the rings of water left on the bar by the cups for a little bit. he's thinking, which usually means he needs to drink more, and he hates thinking. ]
The fuck's in it for him anyway? Or—... anybody? Y' think people can really be happy here? Knowin' what's out there if ya take a walk.
[ meaning the end of the multiverse and all, since he knows that's a field trip some people can make. he has opted out of that, personally. ]
( you and her both, Manslayer. she doesn't need the reminder, and what does staring at that shit do other than make this mountain seem even larger? )
Think you forget for a while.
( it's been the hardest part of this for her. sure, she knows why she's here, she knows the job they've got and the importance it holds to her loved ones, but when nothing happens for so long, when everyone's going about their days as though nothing is going wrong, you become complacent. you have to find a way to fill the hours between disasters, after all.
it's hard to enjoy this when the weight of why you're there keeps creeping up on you, knocking you breathless with guilt. )
... I do.
( congrats, Manslayer. she's drunk enough to admit that aloud. )
[ it surprises him a little. probably because she handles her business and no one's making her do that, so he figures she's probably more dutiful about the whole calamity thing than he's ever been. ]
What's real fucked is the day I got here I said "I ain't savin' shit".
[ how dare this place make him care about things??? now look at him. but the disasters all hit a little too close to home, what with the sort of time he grew up in and all. ]
One day I'm gonna say I ain't gettin' involved an' stick with it...
( work is both a symptom of forgetting and a way to keep her sanity while stuck here. if she didn't have that structure, that frame for her day, there'd be nothing but alcohol and sex to shut out the worst thoughts from her mind.
she needs to work. she doesn't know who she is without it. doesn't want to know who she is without it.
but rip, Izo. she gets that, though. )
Said I were only here to save Marc 'n' Ainsworth. Rest of you could burn for all I care.
( nowadays... she doesn't know how true that is. could she kill Izo if it meant saving her brother and best friend? Caster? Rei? Rider? Thanatos or any of the myriad other people she's grown to enjoy the company of? )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He's jus' gonna leave me too...
[ his voice sounds so small and weak, and it has nothing to do with whose voice it is. it being kate's probably saved him the hot wash of shame when his would've cracked. it's pathetic, in any case. ]
Jus' wait. Somethin' real big'll happen 'round here one day. Some kinda shit he's real good at. Ain't gonna want me tyin' him down. Someone like me is only good for killin' an’ got no business even bein' around people like that.
I know my fuckin' place.
[ it's not a place for good people. people like ryouma and jane don't belong there. kindred spirits or not, izō wouldn't wish it on kate either. the best place for him is alone and always has been, but he just keeps fucking it up and getting close to people. maybe this is his pattern to repeat indefinitely, because isn't it true that servants can't change? even if he's human now no human is supposed to have to face the the things that aren't supposed to matter once you die. izō doesn't know any other way to be. ]
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... Fine.
( she needs shots for this shit. give her a minute and line 'em up, bartender. enough that Izō's body will actually feel the effects and her brain can swim in that fog which helps loosen tongues and settle thoughts. that bright knot in her stomach tarnished by those words.
this whole being optimistic shit is hard, especially when the person you're trying to be optimistic at refuses to listen to it. (remind her to buy a drink for every poor bastard who has tried to talk to her when she gets morose). )
Y'think? ( knowing his place strikes a chord, an echo from another half-sloshed conversation when she was in her own body and it was Rider on the other end. ) Doesn't seem like th' kind of guy.
( one more drink. he reminds her a lot of Ainsworth, actually. patient and friendly, better at these kinds of touchy feely things. Ainsworth, who met her as angry sixteen year old bundle of defiance and resignation all in one, who kept talking to her throughout all of the academy, laughing away threats and insults (admittedly, Ainsworth is also built like a brick shithouse and can quite literally become one, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that he doesn't feel bothered by things) until she accepted him.
she never really got why. still doesn't. but she's grateful as hell nonetheless. )
We can't pick who cares about us. ( sure, you can pick your friends, but they pick you, too. sometimes someone will just care about you even when you can't understand why. ) ...You think he'd leave you if you were in trouble?
( she might never understand why Ainsworth decided to befriend her, but she's long since accepted the truth that he's decided to care about her, that he has her back no matter what. and that aches, sudden and sharp, in her chest. he's proven himself loyal and kind time and time again, and there's so many questions she's brushed off in response.
more shots, bartender. )
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Wouldn't be the first time. Fucked off without a word. Ain't like it's hard.
[ at least some part of izō knows that it was never about either of them and that ryouma was just doing what needed to be done. still, even if ryouma left tosa for the most valid reasons, izō can't help how he feels. if ryouma left tosa behind because there was nothing left for him, what does that make izō but also nothing? the way everyone else treated him afterward only drove the point home. ]
Woulda done anythin' for 'im back then. Woulda gone with 'im. Maybe I coulda been there at the end when the fuckin' idiot needed me...
[ he lets out a short, bitter bark of laughter like it's a joke. ]
Everybody I ever knew turned their back on me when I wasn't useful no more. I'm jus' a burden 'round here an' everybody knows it too. No one needs someone like me in peacetime.
[ that's been true since kipposhi said it a long time ago and hasn't changed much. izō has never even had another proper job. the one ryouma probably invented just for him doesn't count. ]
This'll go back t' normal an' then y' can forget about all of it. Ya got other shit yer good at, so ya oughta be happy about it. I ain't real smart so this is it for me.
[ maybe he should be thankful that kate's body seems to be less inclined to emotional outbursts than his own, which is the only reason he's managed not to cry. usually, once he's drunk enough and on to something like this topic, there's no stopping it. or maybe it's because he's been burying these feelings for so long and heaping even more on top just to be able to be around ryouma like he has been lately that unearthing any of them just makes him feel hollow and empty instead when he has to confront his excuses. it's a bad feeling all around, whatever the cause. ]
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that's what Rider was on about, wasn't it? that whole spiel about what if he'd brought someone with him. expressions cross Izō's face so easily, and so Kate can't hide the flinch of hearing that news. that's... she doesn't know how to answer that. saying anything about that conversation with Rider seems inadequate as a response, something better said by the man himself.
(really, what all these idiots need is a therapist, but like that's happening. so instead Izō is gonna have to deal with this). )
That's bullshit.
Only thing I'm good at is usin' my body.
( beat.
wait. that came out wrong. eh, well. she waves a hand, dismissing that statement. )
... Y'know what I mean.
( she was only ever good at things connected to athletics. moving, never staying still, always terrible at paying attention in class. and it only got worse after—
ah. let's not think about that. easier to drink than it is to open that door (though it never really closes, always leaking a dull ache, a hollow memory). )
— Shoulda known I'm no good at this.
( dammit. you win, Manslayer. what is she doing, listening to all those pieces of advice from people who don't, can't and will never understand where her opinions come from? she really fucking thought it would all suddenly change if she started spouting positivity and injecting herself into other people's problems?
please. she can't even make herself happy. it's ridiculous to expect she could do that for anyone else. )
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Y' gotta business though, don'tcha? Back home, it wouldn't matter. Back home, I gotta purpose. Servants are jus' tools anyway, when ya get right down to it.
[ which he says even though he can hear both ritsukas he's known — the male one from his world and the female version that's shown up in avalon — disagreeing with it. but it works for him, just having someone tell him exactly what to do.
it also means that what kate can do is useful. it's marketable. and even if she drinks kate obviously manages to pull it together long enough to attend to things that need attending to, which is far more than can be said for izō most of the time. ]
Anyway, I toldja y' didn't need t' bother, but ya asked an' now y' know. Happy? Don't matter what I think 'cause it ain't gonna happen, so remind me t' delete that pointless shit whenever y' gimme my damn phone back...
[ because what has this little talk done but reminded him of the futility of all of it? what's the point of taking those stupid pictures anyway? he was supposed to be keeping things casual. well, that's fine. he can fix it now. ]
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Aye. Here. ( here is important. it's not like she's living anything close to this life back home. ) ...Didn't think I could do that.
( she had to be prodded into thinking of it as an option. back home, that option disappears. maybe completely. it's so easy to do shit like that here, they seem to practically beg the otherworlders to do so.
there's no way she'd get away with starting a business so easily back home. they're not exactly chomping at the bit to give parkour gym spaces to people who left school at 16, barely scraping their grades together enough to be acceptable. )
Can't do that back home. Just follow orders. ( go here, investigate these rumours. better, true, than being shipped out to war, but still.
nothing more than being a weapon. )
You're good at fightin'. Physical shit like that. Kinda shit people like to be trained in.
( swordfighting, sure. but there's other, related, shit he can probably do, right? )
You run? Do weights?
( it'd be easy to move into being a physical trainer or something. )
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[ he can see what she's trying to do but it's evidently complicated by the fact that he can't see any reason to reject that way of living. he's said those exact words so many times it's almost automatic. ]
Ain't so bad workin' for a decent Master. Y' could do a lot worse than endin' up in Chaldea.
[ like grail wars. or weird singularities. izō shakes the last few drops out of the tokkuri and gestures for someone to bring another. he's not that drunk yet... ]
Y'mean like just pickin' shit up 'cause it's heavy? People really pay ya for that? They can't run on their own?
[ he really doesn't do much at here in avalon but in his defence, people didn't run or lift things unless they needed to in his experience ]
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People pay for all sorts of shit. ( she has been a woman in the age of the internet. trust her on this. ) Makes more sense'n most.
( drink, please. going down this avenue is easier than trying to help anyone with anything romantic, at least. )
... Taking you to t' gym when this is over.
( not her gym, but a gym-gym. the kind with magic treadmills and weights. )
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Why? Doin' stuff on purpose y' can jus' go out an' do anyway for real sounds the same as some kinda dojo shit.
[ the alcohol is also why he's forgotten how they got to this. ]
What's this gotta do with anythin' anyway? My problem ain't 'cause I don't run.
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she shrugs, rolling shoulders which aren't hers, and how does even that simple motion feel weird in this body? she'll be glad when this is over. )
Helps you target certain muscles and shit. ( that's as best as she knows. that and it helps people who work in sedentary jobs, she supposes. )
Sayin' you could work at one.
( he's more than physically fit enough to manage basic shit like that, right? )
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[ he remains sceptical at best. yes, he can physically handle things but offer guidance? that's where he's doubtful. ]
Y' know what I used t' do for trainin'? Got a big fuckin' heavy branch, carved that shit up so it was somethin' like a trainin' sword an' swung that 'round 'til it quit bein' difficult.
[ he empties another cup and wishes this was all over too. there's less guilt involved trying to drink himself into a stupor than when he's doing it in someone else's body. ]
Ain't no master or nothin'. 'Cause when I was strong enough t' beat everybody who was s'posed t' be teachin' me somethin' I got bored and fucked off. Rider's the guy who knows how t' do shit like that. Got one of those li'l certificates or whatever says ya know what the fuck yer doin'...
[ he appreciates the attempt, he does, but he's very stubbornly convinced that he doesn't have a thing to offer anyone that isn't his ability to kill. at least kate can continue appreciating the fact that she's probably doing pretty good for herself... by comparison? ]
Ain't expectin' ya t' have answers neither. Already true whatcha said once about how dead things oughta stay dead.
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( that last comment hits home. it's not that she's changed that opinion, not at all. dead things should stay dead. it's less complicated that way. ghosts are stupid constructs of Avalon and she's glad her magic doesn't force her to witness them, and the thought of coming back from the dead just sends a shiver down her spine.
if she's dead, let her rest. and the same should go for Manslayer and his ilk. why drag the dead into the wars of the living?
god. )
What're we doin'...?
( why is she sitting here, trying to convince a dude who doesn't want to be convinced? why are they playing house while the multiverse hangs in the balance? what is the point in all of this?
well. drinking. definitely drinking. definitely getting drunk. )
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[ izō is doodling shapes in the rings of water left on the bar by the cups for a little bit. he's thinking, which usually means he needs to drink more, and he hates thinking. ]
The fuck's in it for him anyway? Or—... anybody? Y' think people can really be happy here? Knowin' what's out there if ya take a walk.
[ meaning the end of the multiverse and all, since he knows that's a field trip some people can make. he has opted out of that, personally. ]
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Think you forget for a while.
( it's been the hardest part of this for her. sure, she knows why she's here, she knows the job they've got and the importance it holds to her loved ones, but when nothing happens for so long, when everyone's going about their days as though nothing is going wrong, you become complacent. you have to find a way to fill the hours between disasters, after all.
it's hard to enjoy this when the weight of why you're there keeps creeping up on you, knocking you breathless with guilt. )
... I do.
( congrats, Manslayer. she's drunk enough to admit that aloud. )
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[ it surprises him a little. probably because she handles her business and no one's making her do that, so he figures she's probably more dutiful about the whole calamity thing than he's ever been. ]
What's real fucked is the day I got here I said "I ain't savin' shit".
[ how dare this place make him care about things??? now look at him. but the disasters all hit a little too close to home, what with the sort of time he grew up in and all. ]
One day I'm gonna say I ain't gettin' involved an' stick with it...
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she needs to work. she doesn't know who she is without it. doesn't want to know who she is without it.
but rip, Izo. she gets that, though. )
Said I were only here to save Marc 'n' Ainsworth. Rest of you could burn for all I care.
( nowadays... she doesn't know how true that is. could she kill Izo if it meant saving her brother and best friend? Caster? Rei? Rider? Thanatos or any of the myriad other people she's grown to enjoy the company of? )