( she could leave this alone. let Izō do whatever he wants, but... well, she's actually been thinking about shit since Christmas, about what people were saying. just take advantage of being away from everything that happens at home.
it's a process, but this seems like a start. helping Izō — well, what she perceives to be helping, anyway — is a fine distraction from the cynical voices in her head, the desire to ignore all the advice people gave her. sure, she's shit at romance, but Ainsworth talked about it plenty. she surely has to know something just due to a decade of listening to him, right? )
[ he wants to say no but he also needs his phone and incriminating evidence back...
and he can make her buy him drinks at least..? how annoying. doesn't mean he has to answer anyway.. ]
fuck it. fine. meet me here
[ he sends her an address because this is how he always gets his way, agreeing to things he doesn't want to do with conditions that favour him. this place serves sake and that's what he wants.
that's also why he gets there first — head start. ]
( she knows this place. not somewhere she goes all that often, but if people invite her, she won't say no. and she can easily afford the drinks, as long as it's just drinks and no property destruction.
soon enough she's turned up, and Izō's body is in clothes Kate finds much more comfortable than all his loose and flowy shit. tight jeans and a brightly coloured t-shirt under a leather biker jacket, topped off with a pair of knee high boots. comfortable for the still chilly January weather. )
Hey.
( she'll take it easy for the moment, ordering a cider for herself. )
[ izō has not put that much thought into what he's wearing. he hasn't tried to get japanese clothing of some sort to work on her but he's gone for easy and comfortable with a loose sweatshirt and a skirt that probably feels somewhat similar to wearing hakama. someone's talked him into some socks for warmth, at least, and of course he's wearing a scarf.
he looks up with his cup half raised and stares. ]
( if not... why? trousers exist. shorts exist. the rest of the outfit is actually kinda nice. she just doesn't think she'll ever get used to seeing herself in a skirt again. )
( leggings exist. they're way more comfortable than fabric flying around your thighs. ughhh. )
Whatever. 'S your funeral.
( she can't imagine finding it comfortable to think about skirts flying up while moving or getting stuck between your legs, but if that's what he wants to do... )
I always wear 'em. ( ... okay, so maybe her penchant for sunset colours works better with her colouring and hair, but still! it's her piece of normalcy, okay?
as for this whole phone thing... she's just gonna take hers and then, instead of pulling his out, ask; )
[ he just stares at her for a bit which is irritating because he's having to look at his own stupid face. its his therefore he's allowed to think it's stupid right now.
izō sighs and waves a hand. he has to play along but it doesn't mean he has to say everything anyway... ]
Gonna drink or ya jus' gonna stare?
[ like he wasn't just the one doing that. ]
I told ya... it's real fuckin' complicated. Maybe I was surprised 'cause he ain't got that dumb look on his face, ever think of that? S'my business what I do. Said I'd be civil an' I have been. Friendly, even. So what? Why's everybody so goddamn nosy?! Don't even matter...
[ for something he's adamant doesn't matter he's ranting about it plenty anyway. ]
( she can drink and stare at you, Manslayer. what now?? but god it's weird looking at yourself, even knowing that you are in another body. was she always this small?
whatever. she's being a dog with a bone about this. distraction, friendship, whatever you want to call it (attempts, in her own way, to turn over a new leaf. to do that whole carpe diem shit while she's here), point is... something's off and she doesn't buy what Izō is selling. surprised enough to take a photo? sure. sure.
shame for him this whole bodyswap shit didn't happen before December. he might have gotten away with nothing more than a snarky comment. )
'Cause it's interestin'. ( that's a terrible way of phrasing that sentiment, Katherine. ) Need t' know if I gotta find summat to wear to a weddin'.
[ izō snaps, and he's loud enough to get looks, so he hunches over his drinks and tries ignoring them. ]
Ya wanna know shit, but y' don't even know who I am, do ya? Walkin' around in my body an' dunno which Heroic Spirit it even belongs to...
[ he sounds bitter, but the worst part is that he can't even properly remember. maybe he revealed that to kate before, and she's just been going along with it. how can he say anything without revealing his True Name if he hasn't already? and ryouma's as well; that's guaranteed. ryouma is a lot more famous than he is, after all. they never really discussed that because... they never discuss anything. izō's made sure of that. ]
An' what about him? How well d' ya think ya know him? Did he tell ya who he is? Ya figure 'im out? What's a foreigner care about it anyway?
[ part of it is more deflection, of course — maybe he'll piss her off, and she'll drop it — but he's also just reacting to the idea of talking about the past at all. there's no way to discuss the future or even right now without it, and he knows it, which is why he's staring into his sake cup, seeking a miraculous answer for lack of a better one. she still has his phone. izō has no clue if kate would blackmail him over something like this, but it's a valid concern. ]
me, who also has no idea if he's said or not: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
( yeah, sore spots are all over this, aren't they? Izō's face twitches with more expression than her own, even when Kate would normally just keep things hidden behind an impassive not-quite glare. the surprise at his volume is visible for a few seconds, as is the impatience as her (his?) brows raise through the rest. )
That matter? We're not home anymore.
( Avalon doesn't give a fuck about anything they are or were back in their worlds, does it? they carry that shit with them, but their names mean nothing. the details of powers in her world mean nothing.
that's, kind of?, what people have been trying to tell her, isn't it? stop thinking and worrying about home and everything attached to it while she has the opportunity to.
and she could tell Izō that she's learned a lot about Ryouma's life while he lived, though his name wasn't part of that discussion, but it feels like most of those concerns are answered by her first two words:
does it matter? what she does know about these two is enough to say... )
Y'ever thought I might give a fuck about you two?
( hUFF. she's just gonna down her drink for having to admit that, you're welcome. )
'Course it does! Don't matter where we are. That's how it works...
[ that's all he knows, after all — a short, violent, and disappointing life. no peace found in death. his time in chaldea hadn't been unpleasant, but it was far too brief to have any real impact on what he carries with him always.
izō doesn't care to explain it further, at least unprompted. avalon might not care, and the people here might not care, but what else can he ever be but this? maybe a ridiculous thought to have while he's sitting here in someone else's body but who he is, the core of him, that won't change. if anything, this experience has made izō painfully aware of just how reliant he is on his physical abilities — that's all he has to offer. without them, he's just a loud, miserable drunk no matter what or who he looks like.
which only makes kate's admission sting even more. why? it's his fault they're even like this right now, which tops the current list of reasons he can think of to explain why her caring at all is a mistake — a waste of time.
izō keeps playing around with his cup, fixing his eyes on the table in front of him to avoid looking at her. he doesn't want to see the look on his own face right now. maybe it also helps keep the room from feeling like it's spinning because, incidentally, throwing back several shots in the span of only a few minutes tends to have that effect on a person. kate's body will likely handle it just fine if he slows down and quits trying to drink like he's in his own body while occupying a considerably smaller one. ]
Why bother? Might as well save ya the time an' tell ya it ain't worth the trouble. Everybody figures it out eventually.
annoying as fuck. and maybe that's at the heart of why she can't be dissuaded by what he says, what he claims: because she knows there's something there, something which others might refer to as being kindred spirits. their skills, physical and drinking. the easiest way to deal with something? ignoring it, drinking it away and letting it fester and ferment in the depths of their chest.
hurting, for so long.
and maybe she doesn't know all the ins and outs of Izō's life, not even close to that, maybe they're just two people who drink themselves into oblivion one too many times, but right now she gets it. the shit she keeps hearing about doing what she can here while she has the chance. because she looks at this, uniformed and outsider as she is, and sees someone who could be so much happier than he is if just stopped trying to run from it.
she figured out how to make it work with her job. owning the gym fills her heart with a lightness and joy that's almost comparable to her days on the track. the personal life? that's harder. and maybe it makes her a hypocrite to be pushing Izō so hard on this, but she is anyway.
maybe if she pushes him, she'll figure out what she wants too. )
... You're not th' only one. ( she huffs out something that would be a laugh if it held any humour. it could be so easy to dip back into their usual habits of sadness and morose drinking, but something harder and brighter forms in her stomach the more they talk. a stubbornness which insists on seeing this through and coming out without feeling the impending hangover. ) We're shit people. Do the shitty jobs people don't want to think about. But we're here. Prob'ly some good people back home who'd be better at this shit than I am. Kinda people who'd wanna be knighted and shit. But what's th' point in talking about what ifs.
( what's it she said to Rider again? finding faults to blame yourself. Kate has a million of them, and she's sure Izō thinks the same about himself. )
... People keep tellin' me to take advantage of bein' here. Stop living like I were in the same shitty situation back home. ( she takes a drink and exhales. ) Fuckin' sucks. Don't know how that works. Can't stop thinkin' that it'll all be over soon.
( this alcohol hasn't even been enough to loosen her tongue like this, and she can feel the urge to shut up with each word but she keeps pushing through. )
Don't know all the shit between you two. But y've got someone you know. Someone y'give a shit about. That's... important.
( she wonders what she'd say if she saw Ainsworth or Marc now, with so much left unspoken between them. so many things that she's never thought worth saying before.
Izō can do that. she's a little jealous, honestly. )
[ izō has an awareness of a sudden urge to run but doesn't act on it. not entirely sure he could on legs that are both unfamiliar and unsteady, even if there's a good chance kate's balance is superior given that she actually works at it. he's too proud to run anyway, but he feels it. he doesn't want this. he doesn't need this. why make excuses for him when history's proven it time and again? ]
He's jus' gonna leave me too...
[ his voice sounds so small and weak, and it has nothing to do with whose voice it is. it being kate's probably saved him the hot wash of shame when his would've cracked. it's pathetic, in any case. ]
Jus' wait. Somethin' real big'll happen 'round here one day. Some kinda shit he's real good at. Ain't gonna want me tyin' him down. Someone like me is only good for killin' an’ got no business even bein' around people like that.
I know my fuckin' place.
[ it's not a place for good people. people like ryouma and jane don't belong there. kindred spirits or not, izō wouldn't wish it on kate either. the best place for him is alone and always has been, but he just keeps fucking it up and getting close to people. maybe this is his pattern to repeat indefinitely, because isn't it true that servants can't change? even if he's human now no human is supposed to have to face the the things that aren't supposed to matter once you die. izō doesn't know any other way to be. ]
( ew. hearing her own voice like that? shudder. and this is definitely above her paygrade. really, her paygrade is little more than "drink in a corner while someone else sorts shit out", and she should have left well enough alone. )
... Fine.
( she needs shots for this shit. give her a minute and line 'em up, bartender. enough that Izō's body will actually feel the effects and her brain can swim in that fog which helps loosen tongues and settle thoughts. that bright knot in her stomach tarnished by those words.
this whole being optimistic shit is hard, especially when the person you're trying to be optimistic at refuses to listen to it. (remind her to buy a drink for every poor bastard who has tried to talk to her when she gets morose). )
Y'think? (knowing his place strikes a chord, an echo from another half-sloshed conversation when she was in her own body and it was Rider on the other end. ) Doesn't seem like th' kind of guy.
( one more drink. he reminds her a lot of Ainsworth, actually. patient and friendly, better at these kinds of touchy feely things. Ainsworth, who met her as angry sixteen year old bundle of defiance and resignation all in one, who kept talking to her throughout all of the academy, laughing away threats and insults (admittedly, Ainsworth is also built like a brick shithouse and can quite literally become one, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that he doesn't feel bothered by things) until she accepted him.
she never really got why. still doesn't. but she's grateful as hell nonetheless. )
We can't pick who cares about us. ( sure, you can pick your friends, but they pick you, too. sometimes someone will just care about you even when you can't understand why. ) ...You think he'd leave you if you were in trouble?
( she might never understand why Ainsworth decided to befriend her, but she's long since accepted the truth that he's decided to care about her, that he has her back no matter what. and that aches, sudden and sharp, in her chest. he's proven himself loyal and kind time and time again, and there's so many questions she's brushed off in response.
[ her questions sting more than she probably intends, but that's not exactly her fault. she doesn't know any better. izō doesn't care if she drinks in his body — she might as well considering what he's doing to hers right now — but it's difficult to care about anything else amid the wretched mood he's found himself in now. ]
Wouldn't be the first time. Fucked off without a word. Ain't like it's hard.
[ at least some part of izō knows that it was never about either of them and that ryouma was just doing what needed to be done. still, even if ryouma left tosa for the most valid reasons, izō can't help how he feels. if ryouma left tosa behind because there was nothing left for him, what does that make izō but also nothing? the way everyone else treated him afterward only drove the point home. ]
Woulda done anythin' for 'im back then. Woulda gone with 'im. Maybe I coulda been there at the end when the fuckin' idiot needed me...
[ he lets out a short, bitter bark of laughter like it's a joke. ]
Everybody I ever knew turned their back on me when I wasn't useful no more. I'm jus' a burden 'round here an' everybody knows it too. No one needs someone like me in peacetime.
[ that's been true since kipposhi said it a long time ago and hasn't changed much. izō has never even had another proper job. the one ryouma probably invented just for him doesn't count. ]
This'll go back t' normal an' then y' can forget about all of it. Ya got other shit yer good at, so ya oughta be happy about it. I ain't real smart so this is it for me.
[ maybe he should be thankful that kate's body seems to be less inclined to emotional outbursts than his own, which is the only reason he's managed not to cry. usually, once he's drunk enough and on to something like this topic, there's no stopping it. or maybe it's because he's been burying these feelings for so long and heaping even more on top just to be able to be around ryouma like he has been lately that unearthing any of them just makes him feel hollow and empty instead when he has to confront his excuses. it's a bad feeling all around, whatever the cause. ]
that's what Rider was on about, wasn't it? that whole spiel about what if he'd brought someone with him. expressions cross Izō's face so easily, and so Kate can't hide the flinch of hearing that news. that's... she doesn't know how to answer that. saying anything about that conversation with Rider seems inadequate as a response, something better said by the man himself.
(really, what all these idiots need is a therapist, but like that's happening. so instead Izō is gonna have to deal with this). )
That's bullshit.
Only thing I'm good at is usin' my body.
( beat.
wait. that came out wrong. eh, well. she waves a hand, dismissing that statement. )
... Y'know what I mean.
( she was only ever good at things connected to athletics. moving, never staying still, always terrible at paying attention in class. and it only got worse after—
ah. let's not think about that. easier to drink than it is to open that door (though it never really closes, always leaking a dull ache, a hollow memory). )
— Shoulda known I'm no good at this.
( dammit. you win, Manslayer. what is she doing, listening to all those pieces of advice from people who don't, can't and will never understand where her opinions come from? she really fucking thought it would all suddenly change if she started spouting positivity and injecting herself into other people's problems?
please. she can't even make herself happy. it's ridiculous to expect she could do that for anyone else. )
[ that has the effect of, at the very least, affording him the tiniest break from his self-inflicted misery in order to be confused at her until he realises what she really means. a very small, very brief respite before he goes back to staring down into his cup. it takes longer for him to find his words again though. ]
Y' gotta business though, don'tcha? Back home, it wouldn't matter. Back home, I gotta purpose. Servants are jus' tools anyway, when ya get right down to it.
[ which he says even though he can hear both ritsukas he's known — the male one from his world and the female version that's shown up in avalon — disagreeing with it. but it works for him, just having someone tell him exactly what to do.
it also means that what kate can do is useful. it's marketable. and even if she drinks kate obviously manages to pull it together long enough to attend to things that need attending to, which is far more than can be said for izō most of the time. ]
Anyway, I toldja y' didn't need t' bother, but ya asked an' now y' know. Happy? Don't matter what I think 'cause it ain't gonna happen, so remind me t' delete that pointless shit whenever y' gimme my damn phone back...
[ because what has this little talk done but reminded him of the futility of all of it? what's the point of taking those stupid pictures anyway? he was supposed to be keeping things casual. well, that's fine. he can fix it now. ]
Aye. Here. ( here is important. it's not like she's living anything close to this life back home. ) ...Didn't think I could do that.
( she had to be prodded into thinking of it as an option. back home, that option disappears. maybe completely. it's so easy to do shit like that here, they seem to practically beg the otherworlders to do so.
there's no way she'd get away with starting a business so easily back home. they're not exactly chomping at the bit to give parkour gym spaces to people who left school at 16, barely scraping their grades together enough to be acceptable. )
Can't do that back home. Just follow orders. ( go here, investigate these rumours. better, true, than being shipped out to war, but still.
nothing more than being a weapon. )
You're good at fightin'. Physical shit like that. Kinda shit people like to be trained in.
( swordfighting, sure. but there's other, related, shit he can probably do, right? )
You run? Do weights?
( it'd be easy to move into being a physical trainer or something. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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come drink with me.
i'll bring your phone.
( she could leave this alone. let Izō do whatever he wants, but... well, she's actually been thinking about shit since Christmas, about what people were saying. just take advantage of being away from everything that happens at home.
it's a process, but this seems like a start. helping Izō — well, what she perceives to be helping, anyway — is a fine distraction from the cynical voices in her head, the desire to ignore all the advice people gave her. sure, she's shit at romance, but Ainsworth talked about it plenty. she surely has to know something just due to a decade of listening to him, right? )
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and incriminating evidenceback...and he can make her buy him drinks at least..? how annoying. doesn't mean he has to answer anyway.. ]
fuck it. fine. meet me here
[ he sends her an address because this is how he always gets his way, agreeing to things he doesn't want to do with conditions that favour him. this place serves sake and that's what he wants.
that's also why he gets there first — head start. ]
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soon enough she's turned up, and Izō's body is in clothes Kate finds much more comfortable than all his loose and flowy shit. tight jeans and a brightly coloured t-shirt under a leather biker jacket, topped off with a pair of knee high boots. comfortable for the still chilly January weather. )
Hey.
( she'll take it easy for the moment, ordering a cider for herself. )
What's the story, then?
( welp. no beating around the bush there. )
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he looks up with his cup half raised and stares. ]
The fuck are y' wearin'?
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wait. waitwaitwait. )
Could ask you th' same thing.
( why is she walking around in a skirt again. )
You lose a bet?
( if not... why? trousers exist. shorts exist. the rest of the outfit is actually kinda nice. she just doesn't think she'll ever get used to seeing herself in a skirt again. )
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[ he tosses the whole cup back and sets it down before looking down at himself like he forgot what he's wearing. probably did, honestly. ]
S'what girls wear, ain't it? Better somethin' I can move in, if I gotta.
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( leggings exist. they're way more comfortable than fabric flying around your thighs. ughhh. )
Whatever. 'S your funeral.
( she can't imagine finding it comfortable to think about skirts flying up while moving or getting stuck between your legs, but if that's what he wants to do... )
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[ he certainly doesn't mind this distraction at all, considering he doesn't want to talk about the rest. ]
What's yer excuse? That don't look practical.
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'S comfortable. Nowt flapping around.
( she's used to moving around in jeans, so this just makes sense. )
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[ not that he won't wear colours, considering how bright some of his outfits are but it's just odd. ]
Y' bring it? Here.
[ izō sets her phone out on the table. ]
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as for this whole phone thing... she's just gonna take hers and then, instead of pulling his out, ask; )
So what's going on?
( she wants the story first. )
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[ he's already pouring another cup and its when he's finished that he realises she hasn't returned what he came here for. ]
An' what gives?! I brought it back like ya wanted!
[ one last shot to see if he can get out of this somehow. ]
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( could be murder, probably isn't.
she's just. not going to answer that second part. Izō can put two and two together here, right? phone gets given if he plays nice. )
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izō sighs and waves a hand. he has to play along but it doesn't mean he has to say everything anyway... ]
Gonna drink or ya jus' gonna stare?
[ like he wasn't just the one doing that. ]
I told ya... it's real fuckin' complicated. Maybe I was surprised 'cause he ain't got that dumb look on his face, ever think of that? S'my business what I do. Said I'd be civil an' I have been. Friendly, even. So what? Why's everybody so goddamn nosy?! Don't even matter...
[ for something he's adamant doesn't matter he's ranting about it plenty anyway. ]
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whatever. she's being a dog with a bone about this. distraction, friendship, whatever you want to call it (attempts, in her own way, to turn over a new leaf. to do that whole carpe diem shit while she's here), point is... something's off and she doesn't buy what Izō is selling. surprised enough to take a photo? sure. sure.
shame for him this whole bodyswap shit didn't happen before December. he might have gotten away with nothing more than a snarky comment. )
'Cause it's interestin'. ( that's a terrible way of phrasing that sentiment, Katherine. ) Need t' know if I gotta find summat to wear to a weddin'.
( and that's worse. )
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[ izō snaps, and he's loud enough to get looks, so he hunches over his drinks and tries ignoring them. ]
Ya wanna know shit, but y' don't even know who I am, do ya? Walkin' around in my body an' dunno which Heroic Spirit it even belongs to...
[ he sounds bitter, but the worst part is that he can't even properly remember. maybe he revealed that to kate before, and she's just been going along with it. how can he say anything without revealing his True Name if he hasn't already? and ryouma's as well; that's guaranteed. ryouma is a lot more famous than he is, after all. they never really discussed that because... they never discuss anything.
izō's made sure of that.]An' what about him? How well d' ya think ya know him? Did he tell ya who he is? Ya figure 'im out? What's a foreigner care about it anyway?
[ part of it is more deflection, of course — maybe he'll piss her off, and she'll drop it — but he's also just reacting to the idea of talking about the past at all. there's no way to discuss the future or even right now without it, and he knows it, which is why he's staring into his sake cup, seeking a miraculous answer for lack of a better one. she still has his phone. izō has no clue if kate would blackmail him over something like this, but it's a valid concern. ]
me, who also has no idea if he's said or not: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That matter? We're not home anymore.
( Avalon doesn't give a fuck about anything they are or were back in their worlds, does it? they carry that shit with them, but their names mean nothing. the details of powers in her world mean nothing.
that's, kind of?, what people have been trying to tell her, isn't it? stop thinking and worrying about home and everything attached to it while she has the opportunity to.
and she could tell Izō that she's learned a lot about Ryouma's life while he lived, though his name wasn't part of that discussion, but it feels like most of those concerns are answered by her first two words:
does it matter? what she does know about these two is enough to say... )
Y'ever thought I might give a fuck about you two?
( hUFF. she's just gonna down her drink for having to admit that, you're welcome. )
no subject
[ that's all he knows, after all — a short, violent, and disappointing life. no peace found in death. his time in chaldea hadn't been unpleasant, but it was far too brief to have any real impact on what he carries with him always.
izō doesn't care to explain it further, at least unprompted. avalon might not care, and the people here might not care, but what else can he ever be but this? maybe a ridiculous thought to have while he's sitting here in someone else's body but who he is, the core of him, that won't change. if anything, this experience has made izō painfully aware of just how reliant he is on his physical abilities — that's all he has to offer. without them, he's just a loud, miserable drunk no matter what or who he looks like.
which only makes kate's admission sting even more. why? it's his fault they're even like this right now, which tops the current list of reasons he can think of to explain why her caring at all is a mistake — a waste of time.
izō keeps playing around with his cup, fixing his eyes on the table in front of him to avoid looking at her. he doesn't want to see the look on his own face right now. maybe it also helps keep the room from feeling like it's spinning because, incidentally, throwing back several shots in the span of only a few minutes tends to have that effect on a person. kate's body will likely handle it just fine if he slows down and quits trying to drink like he's in his own body while occupying a considerably smaller one. ]
Why bother? Might as well save ya the time an' tell ya it ain't worth the trouble. Everybody figures it out eventually.
no subject
so this is what it's like dealing with herself.
annoying as fuck. and maybe that's at the heart of why she can't be dissuaded by what he says, what he claims: because she knows there's something there, something which others might refer to as being kindred spirits. their skills, physical and drinking. the easiest way to deal with something? ignoring it, drinking it away and letting it fester and ferment in the depths of their chest.
hurting, for so long.
and maybe she doesn't know all the ins and outs of Izō's life, not even close to that, maybe they're just two people who drink themselves into oblivion one too many times, but right now she gets it. the shit she keeps hearing about doing what she can here while she has the chance. because she looks at this, uniformed and outsider as she is, and sees someone who could be so much happier than he is if just stopped trying to run from it.
she figured out how to make it work with her job. owning the gym fills her heart with a lightness and joy that's almost comparable to her days on the track. the personal life? that's harder. and maybe it makes her a hypocrite to be pushing Izō so hard on this, but she is anyway.
maybe if she pushes him, she'll figure out what she wants too. )
... You're not th' only one. ( she huffs out something that would be a laugh if it held any humour. it could be so easy to dip back into their usual habits of sadness and morose drinking, but something harder and brighter forms in her stomach the more they talk. a stubbornness which insists on seeing this through and coming out without feeling the impending hangover. ) We're shit people. Do the shitty jobs people don't want to think about. But we're here. Prob'ly some good people back home who'd be better at this shit than I am. Kinda people who'd wanna be knighted and shit. But what's th' point in talking about what ifs.
( what's it she said to Rider again? finding faults to blame yourself. Kate has a million of them, and she's sure Izō thinks the same about himself. )
... People keep tellin' me to take advantage of bein' here. Stop living like I were in the same shitty situation back home. ( she takes a drink and exhales. ) Fuckin' sucks. Don't know how that works. Can't stop thinkin' that it'll all be over soon.
( this alcohol hasn't even been enough to loosen her tongue like this, and she can feel the urge to shut up with each word but she keeps pushing through. )
Don't know all the shit between you two. But y've got someone you know. Someone y'give a shit about. That's... important.
( she wonders what she'd say if she saw Ainsworth or Marc now, with so much left unspoken between them. so many things that she's never thought worth saying before.
Izō can do that. she's a little jealous, honestly. )
no subject
He's jus' gonna leave me too...
[ his voice sounds so small and weak, and it has nothing to do with whose voice it is. it being kate's probably saved him the hot wash of shame when his would've cracked. it's pathetic, in any case. ]
Jus' wait. Somethin' real big'll happen 'round here one day. Some kinda shit he's real good at. Ain't gonna want me tyin' him down. Someone like me is only good for killin' an’ got no business even bein' around people like that.
I know my fuckin' place.
[ it's not a place for good people. people like ryouma and jane don't belong there. kindred spirits or not, izō wouldn't wish it on kate either. the best place for him is alone and always has been, but he just keeps fucking it up and getting close to people. maybe this is his pattern to repeat indefinitely, because isn't it true that servants can't change? even if he's human now no human is supposed to have to face the the things that aren't supposed to matter once you die. izō doesn't know any other way to be. ]
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... Fine.
( she needs shots for this shit. give her a minute and line 'em up, bartender. enough that Izō's body will actually feel the effects and her brain can swim in that fog which helps loosen tongues and settle thoughts. that bright knot in her stomach tarnished by those words.
this whole being optimistic shit is hard, especially when the person you're trying to be optimistic at refuses to listen to it. (remind her to buy a drink for every poor bastard who has tried to talk to her when she gets morose). )
Y'think? ( knowing his place strikes a chord, an echo from another half-sloshed conversation when she was in her own body and it was Rider on the other end. ) Doesn't seem like th' kind of guy.
( one more drink. he reminds her a lot of Ainsworth, actually. patient and friendly, better at these kinds of touchy feely things. Ainsworth, who met her as angry sixteen year old bundle of defiance and resignation all in one, who kept talking to her throughout all of the academy, laughing away threats and insults (admittedly, Ainsworth is also built like a brick shithouse and can quite literally become one, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that he doesn't feel bothered by things) until she accepted him.
she never really got why. still doesn't. but she's grateful as hell nonetheless. )
We can't pick who cares about us. ( sure, you can pick your friends, but they pick you, too. sometimes someone will just care about you even when you can't understand why. ) ...You think he'd leave you if you were in trouble?
( she might never understand why Ainsworth decided to befriend her, but she's long since accepted the truth that he's decided to care about her, that he has her back no matter what. and that aches, sudden and sharp, in her chest. he's proven himself loyal and kind time and time again, and there's so many questions she's brushed off in response.
more shots, bartender. )
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Wouldn't be the first time. Fucked off without a word. Ain't like it's hard.
[ at least some part of izō knows that it was never about either of them and that ryouma was just doing what needed to be done. still, even if ryouma left tosa for the most valid reasons, izō can't help how he feels. if ryouma left tosa behind because there was nothing left for him, what does that make izō but also nothing? the way everyone else treated him afterward only drove the point home. ]
Woulda done anythin' for 'im back then. Woulda gone with 'im. Maybe I coulda been there at the end when the fuckin' idiot needed me...
[ he lets out a short, bitter bark of laughter like it's a joke. ]
Everybody I ever knew turned their back on me when I wasn't useful no more. I'm jus' a burden 'round here an' everybody knows it too. No one needs someone like me in peacetime.
[ that's been true since kipposhi said it a long time ago and hasn't changed much. izō has never even had another proper job. the one ryouma probably invented just for him doesn't count. ]
This'll go back t' normal an' then y' can forget about all of it. Ya got other shit yer good at, so ya oughta be happy about it. I ain't real smart so this is it for me.
[ maybe he should be thankful that kate's body seems to be less inclined to emotional outbursts than his own, which is the only reason he's managed not to cry. usually, once he's drunk enough and on to something like this topic, there's no stopping it. or maybe it's because he's been burying these feelings for so long and heaping even more on top just to be able to be around ryouma like he has been lately that unearthing any of them just makes him feel hollow and empty instead when he has to confront his excuses. it's a bad feeling all around, whatever the cause. ]
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that's what Rider was on about, wasn't it? that whole spiel about what if he'd brought someone with him. expressions cross Izō's face so easily, and so Kate can't hide the flinch of hearing that news. that's... she doesn't know how to answer that. saying anything about that conversation with Rider seems inadequate as a response, something better said by the man himself.
(really, what all these idiots need is a therapist, but like that's happening. so instead Izō is gonna have to deal with this). )
That's bullshit.
Only thing I'm good at is usin' my body.
( beat.
wait. that came out wrong. eh, well. she waves a hand, dismissing that statement. )
... Y'know what I mean.
( she was only ever good at things connected to athletics. moving, never staying still, always terrible at paying attention in class. and it only got worse after—
ah. let's not think about that. easier to drink than it is to open that door (though it never really closes, always leaking a dull ache, a hollow memory). )
— Shoulda known I'm no good at this.
( dammit. you win, Manslayer. what is she doing, listening to all those pieces of advice from people who don't, can't and will never understand where her opinions come from? she really fucking thought it would all suddenly change if she started spouting positivity and injecting herself into other people's problems?
please. she can't even make herself happy. it's ridiculous to expect she could do that for anyone else. )
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Y' gotta business though, don'tcha? Back home, it wouldn't matter. Back home, I gotta purpose. Servants are jus' tools anyway, when ya get right down to it.
[ which he says even though he can hear both ritsukas he's known — the male one from his world and the female version that's shown up in avalon — disagreeing with it. but it works for him, just having someone tell him exactly what to do.
it also means that what kate can do is useful. it's marketable. and even if she drinks kate obviously manages to pull it together long enough to attend to things that need attending to, which is far more than can be said for izō most of the time. ]
Anyway, I toldja y' didn't need t' bother, but ya asked an' now y' know. Happy? Don't matter what I think 'cause it ain't gonna happen, so remind me t' delete that pointless shit whenever y' gimme my damn phone back...
[ because what has this little talk done but reminded him of the futility of all of it? what's the point of taking those stupid pictures anyway? he was supposed to be keeping things casual. well, that's fine. he can fix it now. ]
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Aye. Here. ( here is important. it's not like she's living anything close to this life back home. ) ...Didn't think I could do that.
( she had to be prodded into thinking of it as an option. back home, that option disappears. maybe completely. it's so easy to do shit like that here, they seem to practically beg the otherworlders to do so.
there's no way she'd get away with starting a business so easily back home. they're not exactly chomping at the bit to give parkour gym spaces to people who left school at 16, barely scraping their grades together enough to be acceptable. )
Can't do that back home. Just follow orders. ( go here, investigate these rumours. better, true, than being shipped out to war, but still.
nothing more than being a weapon. )
You're good at fightin'. Physical shit like that. Kinda shit people like to be trained in.
( swordfighting, sure. but there's other, related, shit he can probably do, right? )
You run? Do weights?
( it'd be easy to move into being a physical trainer or something. )
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